Let us do something, while we have the chance! It is not every day that we are needed. Not indeed that we personally are needed. Others would meet the case equally well, if not better. To all mankind they were addressed, those cries for help still ringing in our ears! But at this place, at this moment of time, all mankind is us, whether we like it or not. Let us make the most of it, before it is too late! Let us represent worthily for one the foul brood to which a cruel fate consigned us! What do you say? It is true that when with folded arms we weigh the pros and cons we are no less a credit to our species. The tiger bounds to the help of his congeners without the least reflexion, or else he slinks away into the depths of the thickets. But that is not the question. What are we doing here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in the immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come.
-Samuel Beckett, Waiting For Godot
Two new updates in one week? What the hell is going on??
Well, as it turns out, last week's story wasn't over. And now that the cat is out of the bag and it's safe to tell you all what has been going on, I'm free to do what I tend to do whenever something weighs me down--I get to write it off.
Before I start, I have to make an observation. I realise that on some level, what I'm about to write could be seen as insensitive, perhaps even disrespectful, to the protagonist of this story. I sincerely doubt she would ever read this, but that doesn't change anything. If she does, I hope she understands that writing things down has a therapeutic effect on me. I've been doing this since I was about 15 years old, and when people started to tell me how much they appreciated me writing freely and without any regards toward the consequences of said writings when I started this blog, I decided to publish just about anything I saw fit to write down in this blog-thingy. It helps me cope with everything life decides to throw at me, and on those occasions where great things happen, I like the idea that I get to share those things with everything who decides to read this crap. I have readers in places like Taiwan, Vietnam, Zimbabwe and Honduras (true story), and the majority of my readers are from the United States. I have no idea how this happened, but when very old friends and people I haven't spoken to in seven years write me to let me know how much they appreciate these words, it makes me feel like it's okay what I do. And if Hank Moody can turn his twisted life into best-selling novels, I think I can get away with this whole blog-thingy.
So, out with it. For the past few months, I had been "dating" (perhaps that's not the appropriate word any longer) a lovely girl I used to go to high school with and ran into again in Leuven, and for those of you who know me at all, that's a relatively big deal. I've been single for well over three years now, and haven't so much as made out with a girl since 2013 (I know, right?). We went to see several theatre shows, had dinner and I had the sense that things were going quite well. The last time we met up, things ended a bit awkwardly, and today she told me she thought it best if we didn't go out anymore as she could never foresee anything more than a close friendship (yeah, she dropped that cliché). I was a little angry it took her this long to tell me what I already knew she would say, but when she actually told me, those feelings dissipated.
Obviously, I'm not mad. Our get-togethers were spread out over a period of months because we both don't have a lot of spare time, and we weren't all that serious. All we did was go out a few times. Sometimes things don't work out, and if she couldn't see a future with me or just didn't feel it, she made the right decision. I'm not going to deny I'm a little disappointed (we'll get to that in a bit), but I understand. She even asked me whether I'd be okay with catching the occasional theatre production with her which is something I might actually want to do. Just not right now.
There are plenty of reasons why things would have never worked out between us, anyway. I mainly work weekends, she has a standard nine-to-five (sort of). I live in Leuven, which isn't exactly close to where she lives or works. I don't own a car. She has a very busy social life, to the point where it could take days for her to answer a simple text (in hindsight, this should have been a major red flag).
On the other hand, there were obviously plenty of reasons why I liked this girl. You don't make the conscious decision to stay single as long as I have, and not even touch a woman, all to potentially throw it away on a girl you sort-of like. I though she looked gorgeous, an opinion I've had since high school, when I was far too shy to ever act on said opinion (interesting side bar: She ended up dating one of my then-classmates, and while I adore the guy, my admittedly fragile ego is having a hard time dealing with the fact teenage-her would date that guy, and all-grown-up-her would draw the line at me). She looked absolutely stunning the last time I saw her, which may have contributed to my ill-advised decision to take a shot. We had plenty of similar interests, including several odd ones. We talked freely about the weirdest of subjects, I loved her sense of humour and I really, truly felt as if we were uncanningly comfortable with each other. I guess a man will see what he wants to see.
Despite all of that, I took a very cautious approach to the situation from the beginning. While the friends who were in attendance when we started talking for the first time were convinced she really, really liked me, I was a pessimist. After everything I had been through in the last few years, I wasn't going to let my emotions get the best of me. And until maybe three weeks ago, it worked. It was only recently I slowly started getting swept up in that familiar feeling I haven't felt for so long, and the prolonged wait for her final judgement made matters worse. Sure, I was checking m phone every evening in Boston to see whether or not she was paying attention to me, but I had little difficulty channeling it. I'm glad I kept my reservations for so long--right now I'm disappointed, and little else. Knowing myself and how I usually respond to these situations, I could have ran with it months ago and I would have been absolutely devastated right now.
And now the hammer has come down. It's a shame really, but you can't blame someone for not wanting to be with you. Part of me wants to scream it's unfair, that I wasn't given a fair shake, but that's bollocks. I may have been too cautious in how I approached the situation, but hindsight is 20/20. Besides, it likely wouldn't have made a difference. Sometimes, things just aren't meant to be. And even though it s*cks to admit that after three years of waiting and suddenly getting swept up in an ultimately futile endeavour, there's nothing wrong with that. It happens thousands of times every day, all around the world.
So in conclusion, I guess I want to wish you good luck. The cynic in me wants to say "you'll need it," but you're an attractive young woman with a great job and a positive disposition--I'm sure you'll do just fine. I wish you would have told me sooner, but I still had fun these past few months. It'll sting when I have to find out you found someone else, but you of all people will never know. To quote House M.D., the great poet Jagger once said "You can't always get what you want."
In other news, our new landlord has decided to evict all tennants by the end of the summer to renovate the building, even though the entire building was renovated just before we all moved in last August. It hardly matters, as I was planning on leaving my flat anyway, but it does change the timetable a bit. I have no idea what's next for me, or where I'll go. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you should never make big decision when you're emotionally unstable. Give me a couple of weeks, and I'll be fine.
I really do hope Juventus can snatch that Champions League final on Saturday. Lord knows I need it. Maybe the Red Sox can find some offence, but I won't ask for too much. It kind of s*cks having to deal with all of this on my own, as my friends are busy studying for their exams and aren't around, but I'm a big boy--I'm sure I'll manage. Summer's nearly upon us, the guys will have plenty of free time and I'll be just fine.
Take care everyone.
Song of the Day:
The Rolling Stones - You Can't Always Get What You Want
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7S94ohyErSw
PS: This blog has been up for a matter of minutes and three of you have already contacted me to let me know "she's missing out." Trust me, I know. You're not being helpful by telling me that--somebody bloody convince her of that fact.
Just kidding. Please don't do that, we're not in high school anymore.
Also, these NBA Finals couldn't have come at a better time. Looks like I'ma be fine, yo.
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