On Shameless Plugging and Weird Conversations

"In de jaren daarop bekroop mij de vraag of ik wel een eerbaar man was. Dit lange wachten, dit ontzeggen, dit eeuwige emotionele vasten, was dit een teken van indrukwekkende deugdzaamheid of was het gewoon de misleidende emanatie van mijn angst voor verandering? Was ik een man die zijn zwakheden, zijn angsten als deugden wist te camoufleren? Iemand wiens angst voor elke verandering ten onrechte als "trouw" werd geïnterpreteerd?"
-Dominique Biebau, Ijslands Gambiet

Apologies for the Dutch quote, a first in this blog-thingy. It comes from a book a former teacher of mine (and current friend, if I dare say) wrote, and after reading it this past week (in the span of about four hours, because it was that good) I feel like doing some plugging. For all of my Dutch-speaking readers looking for something fresh to read over the summer, I highly recommend you pick up this book. The back may say it's a thriller, but in reality, it's a carefully crafted tale that beautifully mixes Literature (with a capital L), chess and raw human emotion. No, really. Mr. Biebau (I will never be able to call him Dominique) has managed to take a genre that has been diluted by thousands of 13-in-a-dozen novels in the past decade, filled with the same, worn-out plot-twists and grotesque characters, and turn it into something completely different. It's not perfect, but good literature doesn't have to be. So please, support an emerging author trying to leave his mark on a world that is more interested in the latest piece of fan-fiction that appeals to hordes of 14-year-olds, and pick up this book the next time you're in a good book store. I promise you won't be disappointed, and if you are, you can take it up with me.

Now, for the crux of this update. You may remember the last two entries had somewhat of an overarching theme (slight understatement) and were published within a week of each other, and to my surprise, I received a ton of positive feedback on the both. The amount of readers was quite high compared to what I usually average, included four different continents (really) and for some reason, plenty of you felt the need to contact me directly. I greatly enjoy all the feedback, and it's always nice to know your words actually meant something to someone (though, obviously not to the one you wrote them for. Writers, like just about everyone else whose job involves any kind of public exposure, do what they do not be heard, seen or read by the masses, but to be heard, seen or read by the people who actually inspired them in the endeavour. It's called having a giant ego and one leg outside of reality. To quote Jeff Winger: "Do you think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No, they're trying to impress their high school prom kings"). Personally, I was quite proud of both entries, which showed exactly how not-petty I am and were the writings of an adult whose obviously awesome enough to write something like that and therefor prime dating material, you ******* ****, but the fact you liked it as well warmed my heart, to use Big Words.

Two people jumped out, however, and in both cases, I was supremely confused. I've had some weird conversations in my day, and both have now entered the discussion for the top spot. I'm not going to give you any details (that would be mean) but I will describe the situation, to give you a glimpse.

The first started a day after I published the initial post (I think), when I received a message from a certain Dutch girl. This girl (young woman at this point) and I shared two nights in the French Basque Country seven years ago, and we hadn't spoken since. I was still a young pup at the time, inexperienced in the ways of the world, who had only ever shared my bed with one woman. I am about 99.9 percent certain this girl did not have a good time, a plausible explanation for why I never heard of her again after those two nights. Although, in general, you don't really keep up after you do that sort of thing.

I'm telling you all of this to explain to you what a shock it was to me when she sent me a message telling me she read my blog and was touched by my words. We spent the next couple of days sending messages back and forth, finding out how we both had been, what we were up to and where we were going next. It was actually really nice, and I'm really glad she decided to send me that first message, although it was a bit weird. Sometimes the little things can give you great joy, and in this instance, it really did.

About a week later, things got even weirder when I got a message from an ex-girlfriend of mine, the last girl I was in a serious relationship with, little over three years ago. We spoke sporadically in the months after we broke up, and when she met someone new, all communications seized as he (understandably) wasn't too keen on having his significant other texting her ex-boyfriend all the time.

That changed last week, when she messaged me out of the blue to see how I was. Apparently, I'd been on her mind a lot in the past few weeks, and she just wanted to find out. I was taken aback, because I had just visited her Facebook page less than an hour before, for the first time in God-knows-how-long, asking the same questions (she hadn't updated her Facebook page in over three years, which is an impressive feat for a 20-something in 2015).

This particular conversation went a little less smoothly, for obvious reasons, although there were no unpleasantries or harsh feelings that sometimes creep up when talking to someone you saw naked, repeatedly, for a period of time before breaking things off. Nonetheless, it was as pleasant as the first, as this is obviously a girl I loved very much, and someone who will always have a special place in my heart (Big Words). To find out what she had been up to and how/what she is doing right now is something I never would have expected, but I'm glad I was given the opportunity.

Before anyone asks (and I know you will, because I know my friends), I am not hooking up with either. And not just because neither lives in the same country I do.

So, I guess that's about it. The past two weeks have been really slow, with my friends studying for exams, my former love interest bringing the hammer down on what we had going and me spending most of my time working. Outside of ordering food or telling the cashier I'l be paying by card, I had two actual conversations with people all week, wishing my dad a happy Father's Day and talking to Mr. Biebau Dominique at a recent book signing, where he handed me a beautiful, signed copy of Ijslands Gambiet, a novel you should all read. Seriously.

There's some big decisions coming up during the summer, mainly focused on where I'll be living once summer has passed, but that's something that comes up once every six months, so it's hardly news, is it?

Take care all of you. And if any ex-girlfriends, one-night stands of the past, people I bullied in middle school or former colleagues feel the need to catch up, please don't hesitate. As I recently found out, it can actually be quite fun.

Later guys.


Song of the Day
Mr. Airplane Man - Sun Sinking Low
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFCdImxEyL0

On Getting Evicted and That Other Thing

Let us do something, while we have the chance! It is not every day that we are needed. Not indeed that we personally are needed. Others would meet the case equally well, if not better. To all mankind they were addressed, those cries for help still ringing in our ears! But at this place, at this moment of time, all mankind is us, whether we like it or not. Let us make the most of it, before it is too late! Let us represent worthily for one the foul brood to which a cruel fate consigned us! What do you say? It is true that when with folded arms we weigh the pros and cons we are no less a credit to our species. The tiger bounds to the help of his congeners without the least reflexion, or else he slinks away into the depths of the thickets. But that is not the question. What are we doing here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in the immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come.
-Samuel Beckett, Waiting For Godot

Two new updates in one week? What the hell is going on??

Well, as it turns out, last week's story wasn't over. And now that the cat is out of the bag and it's safe to tell you all what has been going on, I'm free to do what I tend to do whenever something weighs me down--I get to write it off.

Before I start, I have to make an observation. I realise that on some level, what I'm about to write could be seen as insensitive, perhaps even disrespectful, to the protagonist of this story. I sincerely doubt she would ever read this, but that doesn't change anything. If she does, I hope she understands that writing things down has a therapeutic effect on me. I've been doing this since I was about 15 years old, and when people started to tell me how much they appreciated me writing freely and without any regards toward the consequences of said writings when I started this blog, I decided to publish just about anything I saw fit to write down in this blog-thingy. It helps me cope with everything life decides to throw at me, and on those occasions where great things happen, I like the idea that I get to share those things with everything who decides to read this crap. I have readers in places like Taiwan, Vietnam, Zimbabwe and Honduras (true story), and the majority of my readers are from the United States. I have no idea how this happened, but when very old friends and people I haven't spoken to in seven years write me to let me know how much they appreciate these words, it makes me feel like it's okay what I do. And if Hank Moody can turn his twisted life into best-selling novels, I think I can get away with this whole blog-thingy.

So, out with it. For the past few months, I had been "dating" (perhaps that's not the appropriate word any longer) a lovely girl I used to go to high school with and ran into again in Leuven, and for those of you who know me at all, that's a relatively big deal. I've been single for well over three years now, and haven't so much as made out with a girl since 2013 (I know, right?). We went to see several theatre shows, had dinner and I had the sense that things were going quite well. The last time we met up, things ended a bit awkwardly, and today she told me she thought it best if we didn't go out anymore as she could never foresee anything more than a close friendship (yeah, she dropped that cliché). I was a little angry it took her this long to tell me what I already knew she would say, but when she actually told me, those feelings dissipated.

Obviously, I'm not mad. Our get-togethers were spread out over a period of months because we both don't have a lot of spare time, and we weren't all that serious. All we did was go out a few times. Sometimes things don't work out, and if she couldn't see a future with me or just didn't feel it, she made the right decision. I'm not going to deny I'm a little disappointed (we'll get to that in a bit), but I understand. She even asked me whether I'd be okay with catching the occasional theatre production with her which is something I might actually want to do. Just not right now.

There are plenty of reasons why things would have never worked out between us, anyway. I mainly work weekends, she has a standard nine-to-five (sort of). I live in Leuven, which isn't exactly close to where she lives or works. I don't own a car. She has a very busy social life, to the point where it could take days for her to answer a simple text (in hindsight, this should have been a major red flag).

On the other hand, there were obviously plenty of reasons why I liked this girl. You don't make the conscious decision to stay single as long as I have, and not even touch a woman, all to potentially throw it away on a girl you sort-of like. I though she looked gorgeous, an opinion I've had since high school, when I was far too shy to ever act on said opinion (interesting side bar: She ended up dating one of my then-classmates, and while I adore the guy, my admittedly fragile ego is having a hard time dealing with the fact teenage-her would date that guy, and all-grown-up-her would draw the line at me). She looked absolutely stunning the last time I saw her, which may have contributed to my ill-advised decision to take a shot. We had plenty of similar interests, including several odd ones. We talked freely about the weirdest of subjects, I loved her sense of humour and I really, truly felt as if we were uncanningly comfortable with each other. I guess a man will see what he wants to see.

Despite all of that, I took a very cautious approach to the situation from the beginning. While the friends who were in attendance when we started talking for the first time were convinced she really, really liked me, I was a pessimist. After everything I had been through in the last few years, I wasn't going to let my emotions get the best of me. And until maybe three weeks ago, it worked. It was only recently I slowly started getting swept up in that familiar feeling I haven't felt for so long, and the prolonged wait for her final judgement made matters worse. Sure, I was checking m phone every evening in Boston to see whether or not she was paying attention to me, but I had little difficulty channeling it. I'm glad I kept my reservations for so long--right now I'm disappointed, and little else. Knowing myself and how I usually respond to these situations, I could have ran with it months ago and I would have been absolutely devastated right now.

And now the hammer has come down. It's a shame really, but you can't blame someone for not wanting to be with you. Part of me wants to scream it's unfair, that I wasn't given a fair shake, but that's bollocks. I may have been too cautious in how I approached the situation, but hindsight is 20/20. Besides, it likely wouldn't have made a difference. Sometimes, things just aren't meant to be. And even though it s*cks to admit that after three years of waiting and suddenly getting swept up in an ultimately futile endeavour, there's nothing wrong with that. It happens thousands of times every day, all around the world.

So in conclusion, I guess I want to wish you good luck. The cynic in me wants to say "you'll need it," but you're an attractive young woman with a great job and a positive disposition--I'm sure you'll do just fine. I wish you would have told me sooner, but I still had fun these past few months. It'll sting when I have to find out you found someone else, but you of all people will never know. To quote House M.D., the great poet Jagger once said "You can't always get what you want."

In other news, our new landlord has decided to evict all tennants by the end of the summer to renovate the building, even though the entire building was renovated just before we all moved in last August. It hardly matters, as I was planning on leaving my flat anyway, but it does change the timetable a bit. I have no idea what's next for me, or where I'll go. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you should never make big decision when you're emotionally unstable. Give me a couple of weeks, and I'll be fine.

I really do hope Juventus can snatch that Champions League final on Saturday. Lord knows I need it. Maybe the Red Sox can find some offence, but I won't ask for too much. It kind of s*cks having to deal with all of this on my own, as my friends are busy studying for their exams and aren't around, but I'm a big boy--I'm sure I'll manage. Summer's nearly upon us, the guys will have plenty of free time and I'll be just fine.

Take care everyone.


Song of the Day:
The Rolling Stones - You Can't Always Get What You Want
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7S94ohyErSw

PS: This blog has been up for a matter of minutes and three of you have already contacted me to let me know "she's missing out." Trust me, I know. You're not being helpful by telling me that--somebody bloody convince her of that fact.
Just kidding. Please don't do that, we're not in high school anymore. 
Also, these NBA Finals couldn't have come at a better time. Looks like I'ma be fine, yo.