On Expectations and Retrospect

“I'm incapable of describing the feeling with which I left. I wouldn't want it ever to be repeated, but I would have considered myself unfortunate if I'd never experienced it.” 
-Ivan Turgenev


Sorry I haven't written you guys in a while :) I've been meaning to, but I've just been so busy in these last couple of weeks. I know, that's the lamest excuse in the book, but it's true. Between work and trying to see as much of the city as I possibly can before I leave, I've hardly slept. Which is why I did absolutely nothing today. Literally. Actually, that's not true--I went to the supermarket. And that's it. Listen to music, read and watch TV. Or in other words, living the good life.

I've made a list of things I still have to write about before I leave (I'm that weirdo with the notebooks. I'm not sorry) and the plan was to write it all down today (which would make for a looooong essay), but I don't really feel like it. I'll do the whole "things I'll miss" later, or when I get home (spoiler: After careful consideration, I've come to the conclusion that the thing I'll miss the most is speaking English. It's not that I've forgotten how to speak Dutch, I Skype with my dad every couple of weeks. But I just find English comes easier to me, especially after seven-something months of using it on a nearly exclusive basis. Going back to combining the two is not going to be fun).

Today really was a day of retrospect. I made the decision to move to London in November of last year, and seeing how I'm now moving back within the year, a part of me started to wonder what it was all for, you know? What have I actually achieved in these last six months?

When I set out this was supposed to be a permanent relocation, after all. Things were bad, and as they say, if you're not happy with where you are, you have to remember you're not a tree--you can leave. I had always wanted to move to a big city like London, so it seemed like the perfect time to follow one of my dreams. It's August now, and one could say the only thing I've managed to do since I made that decision is find a job I love, with a company I love working for. 

But that's not how I feel, not at all. It sounds ridiculous, or like a massive cliché, but I really feel like I'm no longer that guy who packed his bags and moved to this place six months ago. Maybe it's the break-up goggles talking (you know, how everything seems so much better or more beautiful just before you leave it behind), although I don't think so. It's not that I suddenly feel like this whole London-experience wasn't as bad, or that I feel like I shouldn't be moving back. Don't get me wrong--I love this city. I may not have made tons of friends, but I still had some good times here. Maybe not that many, but that's not really relevant at this point.

It just dawned on me today that it was all worth it. All of the lonely nights, the stress over not getting all my paperwork in order in time, the complete mental breakdown in May and all of the cr*p I decided not to write about because, frankly, no one wants to read that. It was all worth it.

I came to London to forget, and that's something I'm not good at. I was miserable, lonely and I had no idea where my life was going or what it was I wanted to do. I so desperately wanted everything to change, and I wanted to find a home here. But I already have a home, and while I usually follow up that statement with the words "for better or for worse," it simply isn't true. It's definitely for the better. 

I cannot express how happy I am that this self-imposed exile is over, how happy I am that I get to come home. And that's why this entire experience, every miserable second of it, has been worth it. Not because I understand the meaning of the word "home." Because London gave me my life back, and six months ago, I couldn't find anything to look forward to. I wasn't living, I was surviving. And that's no longer the case.

Sure, I don't know what things will be like when I get home, and it scares the hell out of me. I'm 25 years old--I have no idea what the future looks like. But I discovered what it means to hope again in this city, and that hope makes the journey towards that future one I'm looking forward to, instead of the end result.

No, London wasn't what I had hoped it would be. It wasn't even what I was expecting. And that's okay.

This chapter is nearly over, and I can't wait to start the next one. And I am so, so happy that I'll get to do that surrounded by the people I hold dearest, and who I love more than they'll ever realise, in the one place I cherish more than anywhere else in this world: Home.


Song of the Day: Band of Horses - The Funeral
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPW8y6woTBI