“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
“If, then, I were asked for the most important advice I could give, that which I considered to be the most useful to the men of our century, I should simply say: in the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you.”
-Leo Tolstoy
I don't really know how to start this entry. I've been meaning to write all of this down for months, and I've probably written this blog a thousand times already. And yet, now that I'm actually typing, it's somehow hard to piece it all together. It's life's greatest irony--things always sound so much better in our heads.
When I made the decision to leave my home some nine months ago, I was in a bad place. 2013 had been a rough year for me, and I was stuck in a dead-end job I hated, living a life I hated. I could see my entire future mapped out in front of me, and it was dreary. I was lost, and I needed to find myself again. I spent months looking for reasons to stay, and to my great shame, I couldn't find any. Yes, there was family, and there were friends. Yet somehow, it didn't feel like it was enough. I was angry with myself for thinking that way, and I felt like the most ungrateful piece of sh*t in the world.
But after months of deliberation, I realised none of it mattered. Not my reasoning or my motivation, and not even the causes for my predicament. I just needed a fresh start. I was losing myself quickly, and something needed to be done. People always tell you to follow your dreams, and the best I could come up with was a move to a great city I'd always loved--London.
Moving scared the crap out of me. Not the actual move, and all of the worries that come with it. I was so scared I was making the wrong decision, choosing the wrong path. People like to tell you nothing is final, and even the gravest of mistakes can be undone. In reality, that often isn't the case. I talked things through with my dad for hours, and in the end, we concluded this was something I needed to do. I wasn't the man I wanted to be, as grotesque as that may sound. But I felt like I needed saving. So I switched careers, told everyone I was leaving and convinced myself it was all for the best. A new life, in a new place.
I think it took me two entries into this blog to correct that vision. London has been quite the experience, but from day one, it didn't feel as permanent as I had told myself (and everyone around me) it would be. There's no such thing as a new life.
Two months ago I went back to Belgium for the first time. It was a total, unmitigated disaster, and when I got back to London I was an emotional wreck. I was about halfway through my tennancy agreement, but in truth, I had already been thinking about my next destination for a while.
Don't get me wrong, I love this city. And I absolutely love my job. But I never particularly enjoyed the life I have here. It's not that things weren't what I was expecting. But looking around me, I realised that on some level I was still doing what I've always done: Run away. And as time passed, I noticed a change in me. For the first time in 25 years, I realised I have no idea what the future looks like. But I know what I want it to look like. And this isn't it.
So I talked with my dad, and told him I was considering coming home. And my old man, in all his wisdom, gave me the exact same advice he gave me the day we decided it was best I would come to London. He told me to follow my gut, because whatever it was I decided on, all he wanted was for me to be happy.
And then a funny thing happened. I had three options: 1) Stay, 2) Sign for an additional six months and see what Christmas is like down here or 3) Come home in August. And as I started to look for reasons to stay, all I could think of were reasons to come home. Hundreds of them. The very reasons I couldn't see six months prior, when I decided on a move to the Big Smoke.
So yeah, my parents have already known this for quite some time, but consider this my official announcement: I'm coming home. If I convinced you this move would be permament six months ago and this announcement upsets you in any way--I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, and I truly didn't think this would happen when I boarded the bus that brought me here.
I don't know if I'm a different person from the one that moved here in February, but I think I am. Moving to London wasn't a mistake, or I don't see it that way at least. Sure, it cost me a lot of money, but that's just money. I couldn't care less. But these past six months have taught me a lot, and they've made me see the world in a different light. More importantly, they've made me realise what it is I want out of life. And no, we can't always get what we want. But the least we can do is try, and in my case, I know I don't want my future to play out in this place. I'm done running away.
Moving back is going to be a major nuisance. I already moved to this place in two tries, so I have far too much stuff to move in one go. I may also have sort of bought a ton of books while I was here, so I literally have no idea what to do (my father is suggesting I rent a car and drive home. First time left-handed shifting and driving on the wrong side of the motorway in the heart of London? No thanks). If anyone is still looking for a guided tour of London, I'd be happy to oblige, providing you travel to London with room to spare in your luggage.
You also better be fast. My tennancy agreement runs out on the 17th of August, and I've already taken time off work to facilitate a move.
This isn't the end of my London experience, however. I still work for a company based here (yes, I found a way to keep that job) and in order to keep my British papers in order, I'll still have to spend quite a bit of time here, so there'll be plenty of time for beer and fun with any colleagues or London-based friends reading this. Except of course Elise, who is moving to New York. Which probably means I can't store any of my leftover stuff at your place until I come back to London for the first time. Any of the books I can't fit in my luggage are yours by the way, if you'll have them.
I plan on enjoying my last month in London, and see as much of the city as possible before I go. London is far too big to experience in a month, or a year, or even a lifetime. But it doesn't hurt to try. That said, I can't even begin to explain how much I am looking forward to coming home. And yeah, I fully realise that's the exact opposite of what I said during the final two months before I came here, or the first few months I spent as a citizen of the United Kingdom. But we've come a long way since then.
When I left for this place I was lost, going through some very hard times and in dire need of a change. And I found myself here. Even if that's all I've accomplished in the last six months, it was worth it. We have a choice between the life we have and the life we want, and life is far too short to choose the former. The life I have here isn't all that great, and the life I had back at home before wasn't either. But you know what? The next one will be different.
As for this blog, it was always meant to be a way for me to stay in touch with my friends and family, so I guess I won't be needing it any longer. I'm going home, and for the first time in ages, I understand what that means. Gianni is no longer In Transit. Then again, the vast majority of my readership is somehow American, with the United Kingdom coming in second and you Belgians only managing a measly third (for shame). So we'll see how it goes.
Goddamnit, this is not the kind of announcement I had intended to write. Better in your head, you know. You're all still very welcome here in London, if you ever feel like getting away for a day or two. UK readers--obviously I'm not leaving without a bang, and I'd love to see as much of you as possible over the course of these next five weeks.
So yeah, I guess that's it for now. Let me leave you with a famous Londoner: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1A_rF0SKj6g#t=387
Song of the Day: I know I've already put this up on my Facebook wall, and I don't care. It's SO good.
James Blake - Retrograde
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XClvMMxBg1k
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