On Mental and Physical Health

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colours. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”
― Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

In December of last year a lengthy, ongoing and losing battle with my mental health finally caught up to me. A series of escalating events in my personal life led to a number of bad decisions and an eventual complete breakdown. A few days before Christmas Eve I cracked and suffered my first panic attack, and then another and another.. My entire world felt like it was crashing around me, and all I wanted to do was lock myself away and let everything pass me by.

The worst of it hit me on December 22nd. It wasn't exactly rock-bottom (that was still to come), but it did prove a turning point. I admitted to myself I was in trouble, reached out to friends and family and started looking for professional help. 

One day later I made a deal with myself, to take six months to get to a better place mentally and figure out a way forward. At the same time I made a vow to work on my physical health as well and get in the best shape possible. I was acutely aware mental health improvements aren't linear and can't be seen or measured, and I wanted to give myself a secondary goal, something I could actually track. Working on my physical health would give me a purpose and add structure at a time when I desperately needed it. Observing my physical transformation would serve as a daily reminder I was growing mentally as well. 

So here we are, six months later. It's safe to say the physical transformation was a success. I'm easily in the best shape of my life and still enjoying the workouts and regimented lifestyle. My current physique has boosted my self-esteem at a time when I sorely needed it, and if I'm totally honest, it wasn't even all that hard getting into this shape.

By comparison, trying to work on my mental health has been significantly harder. Admitting I couldn't do this on my own and accepting that it's OK to feel this way is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm not quite sure if I'm in a better place today than I was six months ago. What I do know, and I don't say this lightly, is that without the love and support of my friends and family, as well as the guidance of a trained professional, I would not be alive to tell you about my experiences today. 

Which is why I'm writing you today, hitting the "publish" button on one of these blogposts for the first time since 2015. Mental health is hard sometimes. Dealing with this can be a giant clusterf*ck and so often it feels like the road to recovery is just too goddamn complicated. That's OK. Maybe there's someone out there who needs to hear it's OK, in which case sharing all of this will have been worth it.

If you have any questions regarding mental health, where to go to if you need help or you just want someone to listen to you for a while, don't hesitate to reach out. It was a huge help for me to talk freely about this stuff and I'll gladly repay the favour if anyone wants it. 

Please, find some help if you need it. I know it's scary, but it's worth it. Talk to the people close to you. They love you and they'll support you, if you'll let them. I have never felt lonelier than I have have in the past few months, but I know that a whole bunch of people who care deeply about me are just a phone call away. Whenever I don't feel like fighting any longer, it's those people who motivate me to keep it up, anyhow.

Anyone looking for some nutritional advice or my workout plan, you can hit me up as well. 

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Yes, this silly blog will be returning in some shape or form. In the past writing things down helped me organise my emotions and process things much better than simply sitting alone with my thoughts. It's also a handy way of letting people know how I'm actually doing, because it's much easier to write about things here.

I have no idea how consistent I will be with this or what direction we will be heading; I'll probably write a little on working out and the likes, but I'll likely also discuss my ongoing struggles with (social) anxiety, depression, self-esteem problems and all the rest. Not all of it is going to be pleasant. And since I haven't done any real writing in years, it might not even be any good. Sorry.

Talk soon. 

Song of the day: Marietta - God Bless Eric Taylor

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wiO7grkqS9Y

PS: Special thanks to Lieven Dewitte ( https://lievendewittephotography.be/ ). This photoshoot took me miles out of my comfort zone (which is partly why I did it) and could have been an incredibly awkward experience. Instead it was a highly pleasant one, and I would definitely recommend his services for your future photographic needs.