On Anniversaries and Reflection

“I suspect the truth is that we are waiting, all of us, against insurmountable odds, for something extraordinary to happen to us.” 
-Khaled Hosseini



Hey guys,

Sorry for the long wait. So much has happened in the past few weeks (mainly trivial stuff), but I didn't really feel like writing and kept pushing this particular entry ahead of me, until today. As a result, I'll probably have to summarise most of it in an attempt not to turn this into a 10,000-word essay, although that might be a good thing. So, let's get to it.

My birthday. It was actually quite great. I stayed in, had a glass of scotch, read a good book and just enjoyed my me-time. I do lead a busy life these days, so it was nice to just take the weekend off and relax. I had dinner with my dad a few days later and he gave me the coolest birthday present ever (an actual, classic pocket-watch. He gets me), and I'll be seeing the other side of the family this Friday, so all in all, things worked out pretty well.

I crossed the 20-million readers treshold a few weeks ago at work, which is kind of insane. I remember how excited I was when I hit my first million, or how an article with 10k+ readers would impress me, and it's kind of odd to look back at all of that and see how far I've come in a professional capacity. My early work certainly wasn't bad, but man, I've learned so much in the past year or so. And now my work has been read by 20 million people. I have "fans" contacting me on a weekly basis from all over the world, people who rely on me for information (I'm a goddamn blogger with 358 followers on Twitter. Why the hell would you come to me?) and regular readers who bug me when I haven't written about a particular subject in a number of days. The word "career" is something people throw around far too often and something I never really cared about, but if I allow myself to take a step back and just look at what's going on, I wonder why I shouldn't believe it would be possible? Yeah, that's right--me, of all people, could actually be making something of himself.

Onto the SuperBowl. As you might imagine (if you know me at all), I may have lost five years of my life in the span of 30-some minutes. As a Patriots fan, it was utter insanity. The joy of the excellent start, the depression of the meltdown that started late in the second quarter, the utter jubilation when the comeback was on and that sinking feeling of "oh no, not again" inside the final two minutes. I went through all the stages of grief in about 35 seconds and had resigned myself to the fact we would lose yet another SuperBowl on yet another freak catch, and then Malcolm Butler jumped the pick play. I very nearly cried. Sports are amazing. There is nothing in life that can make you feel this way, and I couldn't be happier that this is the year I'm visiting Boston. You can be damn straight I'm going to Patriot Place, visiting Gillette Stadium and spending at least 200 US Dollars on Patriots and Red Sox memorabilia. 

Glad we got the trivial stuff out of the way (I an assure you, the SB did not feel trivial at the time). I guess that means it's time for the real stuff. 

Today is February 19th, which means I wote my very first blogpost exactly one year ago. At the time I hated the idea and I was sure this blog-thingy was going to be a complete disaster, which is why it's a little surprising I managed to produce 42 posts in a single year, with a surprisingly large readership. Of course it had to be 42. Of course.

There's this unwritten rule where, after you make a statement in the vein of "A year ago I did this," it is followed by the words "and much has changed in that time." But I'm not sure that's true. In fact, I know I've changed, and I hope for the better, but outside of the inner workings of yours truly, I can't really see all that many differences. I no longer live in London, although I'm not sure whether that's a permanent state or not. Yes, I'm entertaining the idea of moving back to London, which probably sounds absurd. I've made no final plans yet, but I am covering my bases and I've already talked to several people about it.

London was weird, and by the time I left, I was happy to be coming home. But I miss the place. It's a hard city to leave behind. And even more than the city, I miss how I felt for that brief window of time before I took my trip back home in May. 

I've been back for half a year now, and there's this sense of hopelessness I can't seem to shake. And I feel absolutely terrible for saying that. I love the fact I have regular contact with my friends, who I talk to and see all the time. I love the fact I'm close to my relatives, even if I don't get to see them all that often. And I hate having to say that it just isn't enough. 

The day I left London, I told my closest friend there that I'd be back soon. There was a part of me that knew something didn't feel right, even if the rest of my being was screaming to come back home. I blamed the breakup goggles, as I knew all too well I was uttery miserable just about 95% of the lonely nights I spent there, but that feeling never went away. 

When Donald Glover released his album Because of the Internet, it was accompanied by a short film called Clapping for the Wrong Reasons. And it was weird. Like, hipster, I-was-stoned-while-I-made-this-film weird. But the title stuck with me. From the very moment I decided to come back, I couldn't shake the feeling I was leaving London for the wrong reasons. I told my friend I was making a mistake, and I needed to get confronted by it. I needed to bash my head against the wall until it hurt, more than it ever did before. and maybe that would be the end of it. I've contradicted this statement so many times before, but things need an ending. Things can never be complete without an ending. 

I don't know. Like I said (and regular readers of this blog well know), I was miserable for the vast majority of my time in London, but there was a sense of an actual future for me that I haven't felt since. Maybe I wasn't ready at the time, or old enough to understand what I was doing, but now I am. Or maybe I'm just getting all nostalgic because exactly one year ago, I sat down behind this very computer with tears in my eyes and started typing from my new place in London. Wide-eyed, full of pain, anger, hate, regret and envy, but with half an eye on the promise of a better life. That person is gone now. The memories remain and occasionally surface, but the person is gone. And as frustrating as it is, the new guy has just as many questions. 

We can't have the best of both worlds. I can't live in two places at the same time :) 

Yeah, the nostalgia has kicked in. Time to end this.


Song of the Day: Oscar Peterson Trio - Hymn To Freedom
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpCJ3fqtsws